Profound Wisdom

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

The universe is a figment of its own imagination.

There's no future in time travel.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

A day without sunshine is like night.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Death is hereditary.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure..

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.


Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.