1. The highest concentration of MILFs per square mile in the Known Universe can be found at preschools between the hours of 7:30 and 8:30 AM.
2. The baby boomers haven't accomplished shit since the sixties ended, though you wouldn't know it because there are so many of them that the deafening sound of them collectively patting themselves on the back drowns out rational thought.
3. Married people actually do get more sex than single people no matter what the rumors and jokes say. People with little kids, however, are shit outta luck.
4. Winston Churchill, in point of fact, never made the comment "If you are not a liberal at twenty-five, you have no heart. If you are not a conservative by thirty-five you have no brains." A simple examination of his records shows that the exact opposite is true! He was a conservative at a young age, and had switched to the liberal party by the time he was thirty five.
5. There really is nothing more important in the world than your children, unless you're a jackass.
6. The fact that marijuana is illegal and cigarettes and alcohol seems just as stupid now as it did when I was young. The real reason pot is illegal, ladies and gentlemen, is that your elected representatives are afraid to touch the issue.
7. History will look back at how we treat gay people the same way we look back at the Jim Crow laws of the South in the early part of the 20th century, and they will shake their heads.
8. People under the age of twenty-two are all douchebags. No, we're not jealous. Trust me, the reason popular culture spends so much time reinforcing how cool you are is because adults like me have figured out that your segment of the population throws away their money faster and more easily than anybody else, and so they aggresively market lifestyle towards you. I mean seriously, who in their fucking right mind buys a six thousand dollar car and then spends ten thousand dollars over the next three years tricking it out?
9. It is an absolute crime that high schools will let people graduate without a full understanding of economic topics like balancing a checkbook, managing your credit score, and saving money. Home Economics needs to get rid of the "Betty Bakesale" reputation and become a required course.
10. Saying "If I knew then what I knew now" is completely useless unless you have a time machine.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Profound Wisdom
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination.
There's no future in time travel.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
A day without sunshine is like night.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Death is hereditary.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure..
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination.
There's no future in time travel.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
A day without sunshine is like night.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Death is hereditary.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure..
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
HA HA HA
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get it on with my real ladder.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
Stan Godbey's Universal Truths
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a bar is when your beer-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green chips.
Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 5378008 into a calculator
Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mom or dad.
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
Every guy has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
You never ever run out of salt.
Old ladies can eat more than you think.
You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
Bricks are horrible to carry.
In every bowl of chips there is a bad chip.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get it on with my real ladder.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
Stan Godbey's Universal Truths
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a bar is when your beer-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green chips.
Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 5378008 into a calculator
Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mom or dad.
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
Every guy has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
You never ever run out of salt.
Old ladies can eat more than you think.
You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
Bricks are horrible to carry.
In every bowl of chips there is a bad chip.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the
1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright coloredlead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright coloredlead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
jock-v-nerd
Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?
However... If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?
However... If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.
Mc Donalds application
This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's restaurant in Florida, and they hired him because he was honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the firstplace.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
AVAILABLE TO WORK: Of course! That's what I'm applying.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearninghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no; on my breaks, yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the firstplace.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
AVAILABLE TO WORK: Of course! That's what I'm applying.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearninghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no; on my breaks, yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Homerisms
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something
.
I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.
Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing
'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?
Homer no function beer well without.
Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.
I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life.
Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
[Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay] Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You-are-gay.'
I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'
Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something
.
I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.
Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing
'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?
Homer no function beer well without.
Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.
I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life.
Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
[Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay] Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You-are-gay.'
I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'
Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
could have heard a pin drop
When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell
was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were
just an
example of empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States
has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to
fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we
have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not
return.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France where a number of
international engineers were taking part, including French and
American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into
the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done?
He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami
victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'
A Boeing engineer stood up and reply d quietly: 'Our
carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several
hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency
electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias
with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can
produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each
day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting
victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven
such ships; how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that
included Admirals from the U. S., English, Canadian, Australian and
French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing
with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of
those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they
sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that,
whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only
English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak
English in these conferences rather than speaking
French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's
because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so
you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in
Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate
his passport in his carry on.
'You have been to France before, monsieur ?' the customs
officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been
to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to have your
passport ready.'
The American said, ''The last time I was here, I didn't have
to show it.'
'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on
arrival in France!'
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach
on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a
single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were
just an
example of empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States
has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to
fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we
have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not
return.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France where a number of
international engineers were taking part, including French and
American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into
the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done?
He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami
victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'
A Boeing engineer stood up and reply d quietly: 'Our
carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several
hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency
electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias
with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can
produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each
day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting
victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven
such ships; how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that
included Admirals from the U. S., English, Canadian, Australian and
French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing
with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of
those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they
sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that,
whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only
English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak
English in these conferences rather than speaking
French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's
because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so
you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in
Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate
his passport in his carry on.
'You have been to France before, monsieur ?' the customs
officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been
to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to have your
passport ready.'
The American said, ''The last time I was here, I didn't have
to show it.'
'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on
arrival in France!'
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach
on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a
single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
something to ponder
I'm confused....... how can 2 million blacks get into Washington DC in sub zero temps in 1 day to get a glimpse of 1 man..... when 200,000 couldn't get out of New Orleans at 85 degrees with four days notice.
tripple check
Thought y'all should read this in case you're thinking of installing an electric fence!
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and come at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created...
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and come at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created...
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
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